To wish impossible things
by Jessica12
Summary: KateGibbs - Chap 7-COMPLETE-"You have been loved"- Gibb's POV- It's time to say goodbye and nothing can save him now...
1. Default Chapter

Title: **To wish impossible things **(1/?)   
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: jrothenyahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Feedback: YES please....jrothenyahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Kate/Gibbs  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: After a night spend together..  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: My first ever NCIS-fanfic..so please, be gentle...  
  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
The rain is smashing angrily against the windowsill as I rise from the bed.  
  
It's still dark outside but soon the first morning light will grace the morning sky.  
  
I dress in the diml ights from the street below.  
  
She is sleeping with her head turned towards me.  
  
Her face is so calm now.  
  
She looks younger, almost fragile.  
  
I can still taste her on me.  
  
Her scent still lingers on my clothes.  
  
I wish I could return to the warmth of her embrace and drown myself in a soft sea of  
  
dark hair.  
  
But I can't.  
  
There is too much in stake this time.  
  
I have too much to lose this time.  
  
And too much I can't bare parth with.  
  
My heart.  
  
My life.  
  
Everything.

----------------------  
  
I made a mistake tonight.  
  
I know that.  
  
The fault was mine.  
  
I thought I was stronger than that.  
  
But guess I was breakable after all.  
  
I should have seen her coming miles away.  
  
But I was blinde.  
  
I thought the years that lay behind me had taught me a thing or two.  
  
I have made too many mistakes in my life.  
  
This life has taught me one thing, that some people are meant to be alone.  
  
And I'm one of them.  
  
But I stumbled tonight and I fell.  
  
All I can do now is bow out gracefully before I scatter for the wind, before my armour  
  
cracks.  
  
I can still save myself.

-------------  
  
Her skin seem to glow like silver in the dark.  
  
My hands tremble a little as I move towards the door.  
  
I feel like thief, leaving the scene of the crime.  
  
But this is the only way to make things right.  
  
So I will leave now.  
  
Let go now.  
  
She was never mine to keep.  
  
So I will let her go.  
  
And erase every trace of her from my mind.  
  
I will forget how her lips tasted.  
  
How our bodies melted together.  
  
How fire met ice.  
  
How two became one.  
  
I'm saving myself.  
  
I'm saving the both of us.  
  
This is the right thing to do.  
  
I look back at the bed.  
  
She is still sleeping.  
  
One last look.  
  
Then I walk away from her.  
  
-----------------  
  
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	2. Please do not let me go

"**Plese do not let me go**"  
  
by: Jessica  
  
--------------------  
  
NOTE: This is Kate's POV  
  
-----------------  
  
I woke slowly.  
  
I wanted to linger there, somewhere between awake   
  
and asleep.  
  
Eventually I surrendered and reached out for him only to find an empty space  
  
beside me in the bed.  
  
I wanted to call his name out to the morning light but I knew better than that.  
  
I couldn't fool my heart thinking that he might actually had stayed.  
  
I knew better.  
  
I could see it coming miles away.  
  
I could see it in his eyes when he first kissed me.  
  
The fear that lay behind the mask of self-confidence and power that he presented to the world.  
  
Fear of giving himself totally.  
  
He wasn't the man that stayed.  
  
He wasn't the man that gave away his heart.  
  
I knew that going in.  
  
But I never thought it would hurt so.  
  
,,,,,,,,,,,,,  
  
I rose from the bed and dressed in the morning light that found its way into the room.  
  
I will not regret this.  
  
I have never regreted it.  
  
And I will not start now.  
  
I have slept with men before him.  
  
I have given my body freely to men I have worked with.  
  
It's not like I have gone to bed with many.  
  
But I have slept with men I have worked with.  
  
I have always joked and said that it's the best way to get to know each other.  
  
But I'm not laughing now.  
  
I have never wanted more than a relationship in the bedroom.  
  
I was old enough to know the diffrence between love and sex.  
  
But this time something ate at my heart that I couldn't hide from.  
  
The need to be touched by a hand that loved me.  
  
Not the woman that I have created and maintained.  
  
Not the woman with the gun.  
  
Just me.  
  
Kate.  
  
To give myself totally to one single person.  
  
To have a warm body beside me in the bed when I wake up every morning.  
  
Someone that stays.  
  
I have never wanted that before.  
  
I was content before I met Gibbs.  
  
I had chosen my life and I stayed behind me wall and felt safe.  
  
But when he entered my world I never thought it would be the end of me.  
  
I thought I was stronger that.  
  
I thought I knew better.  
  
But somehow and in some way he managed to break through and found his way inside of me.  
  
Now it seems like I can't drown him out.  
  
And I'm not sure if I want to.  
  
_He doesn't love you.  
_  
_So why are you fooling yourself?_  
  
_I don't want his love._  
  
_Liar._  
  
_I don't.  
_  
_Liar._

* * *

I walk into my kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee.  
  
I wish I knew how to face him.  
  
I wish there were someway I could get back to 'me' again.  
  
And maybe then everything will be okay.  
  
Maybe then I will be fine.  
  
-------------  
  
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	3. Never let me fall

"**Never let me fall**"  
by; Jessica

* * *

Note: I'm looking for a beta-reader for this fanfiction and other NCIS-fanfiction that might be coming. Want to be my beta-reader? Then email me at: jrothenyahoo.se

* * *

**_One day earlier _**

**_

* * *

_**My heart is beating fast as I walk the path to her door.  
The moon takes a walk on the sky above me.  
I know that I shouldn't be here.  
I should stay as far away as possible from her.  
She had a way about her that woke something inside of me that I had thought had died a long time ago.  
The need to protect her.  
The need to hold her.  
And that scared me.  
That was the feeling that got me in trouble so many years ago and the kept getting me in trouble long after my first marriage had ended.  
We were young then, so I blamed my failure on being to naive.  
But I'm older now and wiser.  
As I drove over here tonight I blamed my need to see her on a boss needing to see an employer.  
But she was more than that.  
She was somewhere in between.  
I had let her walk the fine line between employer and friend.  
I had let them all walk that line for far too long.  
And I knew better.  
I had lost people in that way.  
Many people.  
My years on the job and taught me that safest way was to never mix business and pleasure.  
To keep them at an arms length and never, ever feel anything.  
It kept me on my toes and it kept me alive.  
But it also killed my marriages, one by one.  
I can blame it on the lack of time spend together, on her weaknesses, on not loving each other.  
But I know better.  
The blame is mine and mine alone.  
Some people are meant to be alone.  
And I'm one of those.  
But still I'm drawn to her home tonight.  
Kate.  
I almost lost her today.  
We were supposed to bring in a suspect for questioning and we were met with gunfire.  
One bullet that graced her temple and left her bleeding in my arms.  
Fear took a hold of me.  
Everything ended quietly and with her smiling up at me telling me that she was all right. But I saw something in her eyes, behind that wall she carried around, that told me that she was scared.  
Of course she was.  
Any normal person would be scared in that moment.  
A little closer and everything would have come to an end.  
  
I had come close to losing her before.  
But never this close.  
As I climbed the stairs to her apartment I told myself that I had a right to be here.  
I was only checking up on her.  
Nothing else.  
My hands trembled a little as I knocked on her door.  
She opened a second later.  
Her hair was wet after a shower and she was dressed in jeans and a dark shirt.  
"Gibbs."  
"Hey."  
"What are doing here?"  
"Nice to see you too."  
"I was just.."  
"Won't you invite me in? Or shall we stand here until your neighbors starts to wonder?"  
"Oh, sorry."  
I walked past her and in to the warmth of her apartment.  
Her living room was big and bright.  
Two large bookcases occupied one wall and on the other a nice piano stood proud and strong.  
"Can I get you something? If I knew you'd come I..."  
"I just wanted to see how you were."  
My voice shook a little as I spoke.  
I felt out of place in the warmth of her living room.  
"How I am?"  
"Yes."  
"I'm fine. Of course..."  
"Okay."  
I felt stupid standing there, staring at her.  
"Is everything okay, Gibbs? Is not like you to come over like this?"  
"You want me to leave?"  
"No, of course not. It's just..."  
"I wanted to say....sorry."  
"Sorry?"  
"Yeah."  
"For today."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I shouldn't have put you in that situation."  
"What situation? You mean getting shot?"  
She smiled.  
That smile that had the power to knock me off feet.  
And I almost stumbled.  
"I shouldn't have let you go into that situation without back-up."  
"You would."  
"Yes, but..."  
"What? Because I'm a woman then you think I can't handle it."  
"Of course not."  
"Then, what?"  
"It's..."  
"What? You regret taking me. You should have had Tony with you. Is that it?"  
Her eyes flashed with anger as our eyes met.  
"No. I'm only saying that I should have been the one to go first.. I should have.."  
"What? You should have what? Taken the bullet?"  
"I have never let anyone get hurt...And I.."  
"I'm fine. I said I was fine. It's just a small scar. Look."  
She brushed back her hair and showed me a tiny scar above her right eyebrow. My hand trembled a little as I ran my tumb over it.  
She shivered a little under my touch.  
"I'm sorry that you got hurt."  
My voice was barely a whisper.  
She was close now, so close that I could pick up the smallest whiff of her shampoo.  
I let go of her.  
My hand was already missing her.  
I felt so powerless as she turned her face towards me.  
Her eyes were dark as they met mine.  
"Why did you really come here?" I felt weak now.  
Ready to fall.  
All I had to do was to take one step back and break the bound between us.  
I had a choice to not take that leap.  
But I was weak.  
As I've always have been.  
All I wanted was to take one taste of her and then I would settle for that.  
She didn't move away.  
Didn't object.  
All sanity went out the window as our lips met.  
A voice was screaming in my head that I was making a mistake.  
But I was too far in now to go back.  
She surrendered with a sigh as I ran my tongue over her lips, whispering to her to invite me in.  
A fire was born inside of me as our tongues met in a dance.  
Her hand that rested on my chest found its way in to the soft hair in the back of my neck and she pulled me closer to her.  
I let my hands drown in a soft sea of her hair as I let myself explore her mouth.  
She tasted like coffee, like heaven and hell all wrapped up in one.  
We moved slowly towards her bedroom, stealing kisses as we walked.  
I couldn't take my eyes of her.  
I felt weak and strong all at once.  
We stopped in front of her bedroom window.  
The moon found its way through the window and painted her body in silver as I pealed of her clothes slowly.  
She shivered a little as I touched the sensitive skin at her back and pulled her closer to me.  
I laid her down on the bed.  
Moving slowly.  
I removed the last pieces of clothes that separated our skins.  
She reached for me without question and I went to her.  
Lips meeting.  
Bodies melted together.  
Moving together in a harmony.  
As I entered her that night I knew that I was lost.  
.  
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	4. How come your arms are not around me

"**How come your arms are not around me**"

by: Jessica

* * *

Note: _This is Kate's POV_

* * *

He sat behind his desk, sipping his coffee, when I walked into the office that morning.

He didn't look up as I approached.

I knew the routine by now.

I had gone through it before.

It was just sex, nothing else.

Just a moment between two people.

No promises was made and as I walked the path to his desk I told myself that

I was content with that.

I had gone into this with my eyes open.

He was just one of the men in my life.

Nothing else.

I would not be the one to fall.

Not this time.

It was too much in stake this time around.

I knew it from the moment he touched me.

"Good morning."

My voice felt weak all of a sudden.

He looked up and our eyes met.

I tried to smile, like nothing had changed.

But as I looked at him now I knew nothing was further from the truth.

Everything had changed.

And I was slowly but surely losing control.

I could feel myself slipping.

I could still taste him.

His scent still lingered on my skin.

I felt weak as I stood before him.

And I hated that feeling.

"Morning, Kate."

His voice sounded chilly or maybe it was just my mind playing tricks with me.

I don't know what I expected.

I knew the rules, for God's sake.

But still I stood there like a fool searching for some kind of sign that last night

had meant something.

That the fire that burnt so brightly inside of me was not in vain.

But he had risen the wall again and I was left outside.

I was the fool yet again; thinking things might be different this time.

That I would finally win this game.

But I was once again alone.

--------------------------

The day passed quickly.

We danced around each other and even Tony could pick up the slightest change in my

mood.

Gibbs avoided the office as much as he could for the coming days.

When he finally graced us with his presence he acted chilly and distant.

He never once addressed me.

He avoided my eyes and I could read the guilt in his eyes when I found him watching me.

But I was determined to go on like nothing had happened.

I could play the game as good as anyone.

I was so determined to drive him out of mind, no matter the cost.

It was a matter of survival.

----------------------

Night had wrapped the office in a dark coat as I finally started to collect my things and head home.

Tony had left an hour later, claiming that he had a hot date that couldn't wait any longer.

Gibbs was no where to be found.

And I didn't care.

I brushed my tired eyes and pushed the button for the elevator.

I rode the elevator to the basement to collect my car and head home to the emptiness of my apartment.

I was just about to turn the key and get inside when I heard his voice:

"Kate."

He stood in the darkness and he stepped out of the shadows as I turned around.

He was dressed in dark pants, blue shirt and a dark jacket.

He looked tired.

"Gibbs."

He walked towards me slowly.

He stopped just a few feet from me.

I tried to sound calm as I spoke.

But the truth was that the simple presence of him could make me tremble.

"Look, I was just heading home."

"I know, I will not keep you long. I just wanted to talk."

"What about? Can't we take it in the morning, I'm really tired?"

"Please, Kate."

His eyes were begging me to surrender.

To give in.

And for a second I wanted to.

But I was afraid.

So I stood there, shields raised.

"What do you want to talk about, Gibbs?"

"I wanted to say...sorry."

"Sorry?"

"Yes."

"It's twice you have said sorry now and..."

"What happened..I didn't mean..I didn't come to you looking for..."

"Say it...You can say it...sex."

"Don't be like that."

"Be like what?"

"Like that."

"I'm just calling it like I see it. You should try it."

"I never meant it to happen. It shouldn't have happened. You're on my team and.."

His words stung more than I wanted to admit.

"So, what? You want me to forgive you or what? There's nothing to forgive. It was just sex, right?

One night. Nothing else. It will not happen again."

His face twisted and turned as my words sunk in.

I wanted to hurt him, make him bleed.

I wanted to not feel this pain that kept eating at my center core.

But most of all I hated the fact that I hadn't been able to drive him out of my heart since

the night he walked away from me.

"Please, Kate. I don't want this to change anything between us. We have to be able to work

together."

"I have no problem. I'm not the one who have stayed away."

"It's just...."

"Guilty is written over your face everytime you're looking at me. Don't worry I will not

put you up on charges. You can keep your precious reputation. I will not blacken it. I will not

tell a soul. So don't worry."

I started to turn around and get in my car.

"Kate."

His hand was on my shoulder.

And for a single second I let myself remember how it felt against my skin.

And I felt weak.

I hated that.

I turned towards him.

Anger filling me.

For being weak.

For letting him move me so easily.

My eyes shot fire as our eyes met:

"Don't touch me. Don't touch me ever again."

He let go.

He stood before me and I tried to read what he was thinking.

But all I saw was the wall that stood between us.

I climbed into my car without saying a word and my hands trembled a little as I turned

the key and the monster came alive under me.

He stood where I had left him as I drove away.

And I refused to look back.

I was winning the game.

--------------------

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	5. Shelter for my soul

Shelter for my soul  
by: Jessica -

* * *

Georgetown University Hospital,  
Washington D.C,  
One week later

* * *

It's the little things I remember about the day she slipped away from me.  
I remember the sound of the rain smashing against the car as we drove up to the house.  
I remember my heart beating angrily in my chest as we walked the path to the house.  
We had come to bring in the suspect in our latest case for questioning.  
She walked just a few steps infront of me.  
I wanted to say something, anything.  
But the silence lay between us like huge wall.  
There was nothing to say anymore.  
I had pushed her away, far away and now I wanted a way back in.  
But I didn't now how.  
I remember how everything got so quite.  
Like time had stopped.  
Then how everything seemed to happen slowly.  
Then the sound of her scream as the first bullit slammed into her body.  
I tried to reach her.  
But I was too late.  
Then the second one.  
  
I have been here so many times before so you would think that I knew the drill by now.  
It was part of my world, this world I have chosen.  
But still I never thought it would be her.  
I have lost people before.  
I've seen them come and go.  
The faces has been many.  
In the heat of battle many faces has been lost into a dark haze of memories.  
This life has taught me one thing to keep them all at an arms length.  
I had build my life around a set of rules.  
Rules that I lived for, that I never broke, not once.  
It gave my life structure.  
It kept me safe.  
It kept me alive.  
But it also kept me alone.  
But I had made a choice.  
But she had managed to break through and touched my heart like no one ever could.  
And I had let her.  
I had been weak, wanting a piece of the life I had turned away from.  
And for a single moment, for a single night, I had found myself giving her my all.  
As I sat there in that hospital waiting for the doctor. I found myself crumbling.  
I had let her slip away from me.  
I had searched for something, anything that could give me the peace my soul craved for.  
I never thought I would find it in her.  
She was wrong for me in so many ways.  
But it was something in the way her arms felt around me, something in the way her smile seemed to warm my heart, something in the way her mouth felt against mine, that caused me to shatter inside.  
I had fallen from grace the moment I had entered her and touched her heart.  
But I had turned her away.  
I had pushed her away.  
The safest thing you can ever do is stay still, never moving, never changing.  
I clung to the life I had built and maintained convinced that she meant nothing to me.  
That she was just another face in the crowd.  
But today everything had changed.  
The blame is mine and mine alone.  
Time moved quickly for the man of the hour.  
"Agent Gibbs?"  
He stood before me.  
A young doctor with kind eyes.  
He had come to shatter me.  
I could see it in his eyes.  
For a single moment my heart stopped.  
"Yes."  
I rose.  
My legs felt weak.  
"How is she, doc?"  
"We managed to remove the first bullet. It was lodged in her shoulder. But the second one..."  
"But what?"  
"The second bullet entered her abdomen hitting the liver causing sever blood loss. This caused respiratory failure and the patient falling into a coma. She has been put on a respirator and moved up to the ICU."  
My voice almost cracked as I spoke:  
"Jesus. What does that mean?"  
As I stood there I felt a little piece of my heart detach and free fall inside of my chest.  
I had been down this road before.  
"She had lost a lot of blood. The loss of blood caused her breathing to collapse. This may have caused damage to her brain. But time will only tell if that's the case."  
"She will be all right, doc. Right?"  
I already knew the answer.  
I saw the doubt in the young man's eyes.  
"We'll do what we can for her."  
"Can I see her?"  
"A nurse will show you to her room. Do you have any way to contact her family?"  
"I will call them."  
My voice faded to black.  
He made an excuse and left me there alone.  
-  
I stood in the doorway at first, afraid to move closer to the bed.  
A nurse had shown me to her room.  
Night had finally surrendered to the coming morning and the morning sun painted the room in gold.  
My body screamed for rest but I wasn't listening.  
The only sound that pierced the silence was the sounds that the machines that breathed life into her broken body made.  
Her hair was spread across the pillow.  
Her skin was white, almost transparent.  
My hands wouldn't stop shaking as I closed the door behind me and moved closer to her bed.  
I pulled up a chair beside her bed and sat down.  
She looked beautiful.  
How easy I come undone.  
I thought I was stronger than that.  
But guess I was breakable after all.  
I burried her hand in mine.  
Her hand felt cold in mine.  
"Kate."  
She couldn't hear me.  
She was lost in her dreams.  
I wish there were some higher power I could fight to bring her back to me.  
It felt like my world was falling apart piece by piece and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.  
It felt like I was drowning slowly.  
She was everything I couldn't have.  
She was never mine in the first place.  
I had never believed in a higher power.  
But as I sat there I prayed for miracles.  
For my heart couldn't bear losing her.  
I closed my eyes for a second and whispered:  
"Come back to me."  
-------------------- 


	6. Breakable things

"Breakable things"  
by: Jessica -

* * *

The light flickered and came to life as I went down the stairs to my basement.  
Another day had passed and night had wrapped its coat around the city.  
I had left the halls of the hospital an hour later, trying to find the peace my body screamed for.  
But when I closed my eyes all I saw was her.  
It kept eating at my centre core, making me crumble into tiny pieces slowly but surely.  
I took another sip of my coffee and sat down in a corner of my basement.  
The pieces that soon would be a boat stood proud and strong infront of me.  
It gave me a sense of peace; to creat something with my hands.  
When life got too much, when I walked too closely to the edge, this was the place I ran to.  
I let myself drown in the sense of building something.  
And somewhere a long the way I always found a way back to me.  
But as I sat there I found myself lost.  
I wasn't sure if I could erase the feeling inside.  
"Boss?"  
He stood at the edge of the stairs.  
Tony.  
"How did you get in?"  
He avoided my eyes as he spoke:  
"The door was open. I rang the bell but you didn't open. So, I.."  
"So you just let yourself in?"  
"Yeah, but..I thought.."  
"Thought what?"  
I rose.  
I could see the concern in his eyes.  
He tried to hide it but I saw through him easily.  
I always could read him like an open book.  
"Nothing. I was just wondering if you have heard anything?"  
"What?"  
"Yeah, from the hospital."  
"No, nothing."  
"Okay."  
"Look, Tony..."  
"She will be okay, right?"  
"Yeah, sure she will."  
"She is strong..."  
As I stood there and watched as he tried to convince himself something inside of me crumbled and fell.  
I nodded and said:  
"Sure. Kate is strong. She will make it through this."  
"Yeah."  
"Yeah."  
Silence settled between us like a huge wall.  
I didn't know how to speak to him anymore.  
"What happened between the two of you?"  
Our eyes met.  
"What do you mean?"  
"She was so sad, Gibbs. I could see it in her eyes."  
"Why did you think I had anything to do with it?"  
"It's just..."  
"Stay out of it, okay?"  
"Why? She was..is my friend."  
"It's nothing."  
"Nothing. I maybe not be the sharpest tool in the shead but I could sense something was going on between the two of you. I'm not stupid, you know."  
"No one is saying that."  
I almost managed to smile.  
"What did you do, Gibbs?"  
"It doesn't concern you."  
"Doesn't concern me, huh? I think it concerns me when I have to work with the two of you."  
"It's over now, anyways. So don't worry about it, okay?"  
I turned away from him "I just want to know what happened. What did you do?"  
"I did what was right."  
"What was right? What's that supposed to mean?"  
"I made a mistake but I fixed it."  
"Fixed it? I don't think so. You only made it worse."  
"Drop it, okay."  
"No. For once I will not drop it. You did something to her and now she is laying there in the hospital and.."  
"Stop it..."  
I turned towards him.  
His eyes pierced into me and I couldn't hide the truth anymore.  
"You slept with her."  
His words seemed to bounce around the room and found its way inside of me and made me remember.  
"I made a mistake."  
"You might say that."  
He ran his hand through his hair and looked at me.  
I wasn't the one that stumbled.  
I was strong.  
Untouchable.  
"You broke her heart."  
"No, she told me...She said it...It was just..."  
"She lied. It was so clear. I could see it in her eyes when she looked at you. I've never been great with women but she was diffrent...I could see it in her eyes...You broke her heart, Gibbs."  
"I made sure...It was better this way."  
"What do you mean better? For whom?"  
"It would have never worked out."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes."  
"So, what happenens now?"  
"Nothing. We go back to the hospital and when she wakes up everything will go back to what it was."  
"You can't go back. You know that."  
"I know."  
"Not with her."  
I smiled as I remember the first time I met her:  
"She told me once that she has slept with men she has worked with. But she never lets it get in the way of work."  
"Maybe it was once true...But now.."  
"Stop it.."  
"I'm just saying.."  
"I don't want to hear it, okay?"  
I moved towards the younger man. Fear taking a hold of my heart.  
Fear of falling.  
Fear of losing grip.  
"Gibbs...she.."  
"Stop it."  
"She was in love with you."  
"Stop it!"  
"I could see it in her eyes when she looked at you. From the moment she walked into the office that day..That day when everything had changed."  
"No. You are wrong."  
"Maybe. Maybe not. I'm just calling it as I see it."  
"You're wrong, okay."  
"Fine."  
"Fine."  
His words echoed inside of my head and twisted the knife in my heart.  
I moved away from him and turned towards the boat.  
We stood there in silence for a while.  
He spoke first.  
"You want some help? I'm really good at this whole thing. At least..I think.."  
"Leave, DiNozzo."  
"Maybe we can grab a beer? I know this really great place."  
"Leave."  
"Okay. What about getting something to eat?"  
"Just leave...Tony...Leave me alone."  
"Look..Boss.. I don't think you should be alone right now."  
"Get out of my house before I throw you out!"  
I turned towards him.  
"Boss."  
"No, not this time!"  
The sound of the phone ringing pierced through the room.  
Our eyes met and I knew.  
I have been here so many times before.  
Another phone call.  
I have prepared myself.  
How do you prepare for that kind of pain?  
I guess you don't.  
You just let it happen.  
I walked the path to the phone and picked it up.  
My voice is barely a whisper as I speak:  
"Gibbs."  
I can't breathe.  
"Agent Gibbs?"  
"Yes."  
"This is Dr. Smith. You are needed at the hospital. It's time."  
I'm not ready.  
Not yet.  
I'm not ready to let go.  
I clung to the phone like it could save me from the coming pain.  
As I stood there, in my basement, I could feel my heart break and shatter for the wind and it was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.

* * *


	7. You have been loved

You have been loved  
by: Jessica -

* * *

Note: Final part. This sucked BIG TIME and I'm sorry but I had to finished it this way.  
I kind of just gave up..I'm not liking the way it turned out.

* * *

The rain smashed against my window as I drove to the hospital.  
My heart was beating like crazy as I walked the path to her room.  
I found him by her door.  
Ducky.  
He looked up as I approached and our eyes met.  
"Ducky."  
"Jethro."  
"What has happened? I got a call to get back here."  
"I think you should sit down."  
"I don't want to sit down."  
"Maybe it's better to sit down."  
"Just tell me what happened."  
I knew the truth.  
I could see it in his face.  
It was written in his eyes.  
But like a fool I tried to avoid the truth.  
"Please, Jethro.."  
"Tell me, Ducky."  
"It happened about half an hour ago. I don't know all the details."  
"What details?"  
"The doctor..I spoke to him. She just...."  
His voice faded to black and he lowered his head.  
And I knew.  
I just knew.  
And something inside of me came apart.  
And there was nothing left to stop it from happening.  
"No."  
"They say that she just gave up."  
"I refuse to believe that."  
Our eyes met.  
"She stopped breathing, Jethro."  
"No."  
"She's a fighter. They told me. They told me that she would be fine."  
"She had lost a lot of blood and her breathing...."  
"No. I don't want to hear it..Get me a doctor! I want to talk to her doctor."  
I turned around and scanned the hallway for a doctor.  
A voice in my head was screaming that it was too late.  
But I refused to listen.  
I was clinging to the last remaining piece of hope that still lived inside of me.  
"Jethro."  
"No, Ducky. They are supposed to help her. They are supposed to be this great. I have been here before. I have seen a lot of bullit wounds. I have been her, for God's sake.  
But never..You are not supposed to...She's not supposed to...."  
I couldn't make myself say the word.  
If I did it would be real.  
And I couldn't take it.  
Not yet.  
I needed to fight for her.  
I needed to save her.  
I was the one that saved people.  
I was the one that made things right.  
I always made things right.  
I was an hero.  
If I wasn't.  
Then who am I?  
"Jethro..It was her time."  
"Don't say that!"  
I turned towards him.  
"She just..."  
"No! I don't want to hear it! Where is that damn doctor!?"  
"Jethro."  
"I said NO! There has to be some way to.."  
"She's gone."  
"Don't you say that. You should be in there. You're a doctor, for God's sake. Why aren't you in there trying to get her back? They have a lot of things these days. They can bring her back."  
"No..Not this time. It's too late."  
"Don't say that! Don't you fuckin' say that!"  
I moved towards him.  
"Jethro."  
He reached out his hand towards me but I backed away.  
It felt like something was on my chest,weighing me down.  
"No."  
"You couldn't have saved her."  
"Ducky."  
"You know that. There was nothing you could have done. It was just her time."  
I was drowning.  
It felt like I was falling.  
I stood there.  
"I want to see her."  
"I think you should.."  
"I want to see her, Ducky."  
"Okay."

* * *

I never knew pain before I stepped into that room.  
I thought I was unbreakable.  
Guess I was wrong.  
I thought this life had thought me how to survive anything.  
But I wasn't so sure anymore.  
She lay on the bed.  
The rain smashed angrily against the window as the moon broke through the dark clouds.  
I had been here before.  
I had said goodbye before.  
And I have let go of people.  
Remember not to fall I moved towards the bed.  
My hands trembled a little as I pulled up a chair and sat down beside her bed.  
All I had left now was to say goodbye.  
I couldn't save her.  
I couldn't bring her back to me.  
There was no one I could fight.  
She was never mine in the first place.  
So I have nothing to let go of.  
I was the one that walked away.  
I was the one that let go.  
If I had only hold on a little while longer, than maybe nothing like this would ever had happened.  
But like a little boy I had run away.  
I had taken the easy way out and ignore the fact that my heart screamed for her.  
I had chosen to close my eyes for the truth.  
I closed my eyes in a weak attempt of shuting the pain out.  
My voice was barely a whisper as I spoke:  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."  
Fool.  
I had hold on to my heart so tight afraid of losing myself in her.  
And now it was too late to go back.  
Her hand was cold as I took it mine.  
She was still so beautiful.  
It was time to let her go.  
But how could I when every part of me needed her?  
When my memory still was clouded by the feel of her against me.  
I can still remember the feel of her hand against my body.  
Her mouth against mine.  
The feeling of losing myself in her.  
How can I let go when every part of me is screaming to hold on?  
But it was too late now.  
It was time to say goodbye.  
My voice was barely a whisper as I spoke my final goodbye:  
"I think I might have loved you."  
With those words I died.  
That was the end of me.  
The last remaining piece of my heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces and flew across the floor and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.  
This was goodbye.  
--------- 


End file.
